fears in my orbit

dude,

fear is in my orbit. i am like this pineapple guy up here. i feal fearful and i have sticky things jutting out of me. i'm worried for my five year old daughter. it's her third day of school and today she asked me, "why won't they be my friends?". she made friends...but i don't know maybe she asked one kid to be her friend and he said no. i know it is her journey to learn. but, i have to let her go...gooo......we are , still, just a little bit attached. i love her so much. i want to protect her from being hurt. i want to ensure that she is 100% confident. but, is anybody really. it is the people who have been through so much that are the most confident. but, can she just ..............naturally be confident? she's so vulnerable.........willing to drop her defenses and go up to kids............will you be my friend? she's so sweet. so innocent. i don't want her to be hardened by life. i just want to build self esteem ya know? she gets her feelings hurt when people laugh. she isn't understanding that they aren't being mean...sometimes they aren't laughing "at" her.....i need to teach her that her true self loves her and that she is loveable. 

snapping turtle vs sea turtle

my husband is a snapping turtle and i "want" to be a sea turtle. harville hendrix explains that the person who keeps everything inside then explodes is the snapping turtle. i just have anger issues. so, i would like to become the calm and cool sea turtle. i am working on the orange rhino   "365 day journey to yell less and love more".... http://theorangerhino.com/ ............ my dear friend in wisconsin told me she is doing it because she yells at her kids, mostly, about safety.  i told her i yell at my husband, mostly. she laughed and i felt guilty......i had to explain i was being serious. but, i've come a long way. a long, long, way. i've been in therapy. i deeply and completely accept myself. that is how i got better. i have to accept the situation...then all of a sudden i am aware of what's going on.
my husband does this thing where he speaks with his eyes. he, almost, passively gets angry. so, i asked him, "are you angry?". he said, "no". i was like, "what are you?". he was silent. i said, "whatever it is...let it go". to my surprise he let it go. then i do this guessing game?/??????????????? was he mad about finances? was he mad from work? was he mad about this or that? then i just stopped caring...because if he can't use the words it's not fair. i am not bringing perfection to the table. that's my motto. i have seen deep appreciation and improvement in our relationship. it's tough. i don't know. my relationship with myself is tough, ya know? i don't know how to sum this up....because we are, still, a work in progress. we communicate differently.........i'm a talker...........he's the strong, silent type...............i talk too much in his ear.......i wish he would talk with me waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more...............but, we are, deeply, attracted to one another and it makes our love sparkle and do that shimmery, shiney thing .

I heard an interesting interview with Kurt Vonnegut.......he explained he believes incarceration or is it re-incarnation? It would be easier for God to manage the souls...he mentioned.  It's an interesting thought, isn't it? I hope my daughter is okay at kindergarten........her new best friend wasn't there and it has me a little worried. She looked a little worried.                  Oh the things we think about and worry about. She is growing up. 

At dinner put the droid away.

When a woman is in labor

fetal monitoring gets in the way

thought it would decrease peri natal disease

but

fetal monitoring has done nothing to improve outcome

but 

it is a standard practice of birth in hospitals

makes women get out of present moment

same

way as having a droid

make time

there are a lot of things going on in the world. i wish the news never had any thing to say. but, in a way, there are always things going on in the world. we need to just get a long. i think if we valued ourselves enough.........we wouldn't have so much conflict. we could look at it from the perspective of world peace or peace at work or work at home. i know there are three people that live at home. i love it the days that there is no conflict. conflicts are energy draining. conflicts such. conflicts are ego centered. me centered. my daughter just walked in and said, "i brushed my teeth", after 20 seconds of brushing her teeth. i need to get her a timer or a timed toothbrush. momma mia.

compatability

concept

opposites attract

healing as opposed to opposition

grounded

systematic

detail oriented

bee that buzzes around the flower

huge picture thinker

babbling through the internet

focusing gently

understanding

i don't really know what i'm getting out, but, i promised myself i would blog. i would understand what it means to get my thoughts out and just put them out there

hatch

hatch

hatch a desire

i wonder what tonight may bring us

up

up

up absence is obvious

hung up on what isn't

what is your perception of life?
what is my perception of life?
my husband's...my daughter's?
honestly, they ..........just..........don't add up
big time
oh the crock pot is starting to smell so good.
yum
no deprivation today
what a fun day of food
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
 interesting

pranayana breath work

breathing can balance two different sides/hemispheres of the brain............one finger on nostril.......breath in the other nostril..........signal to body to calm down.      nodishonya breath work
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytkD3yxzFlU
I have three dear friends who have issues with anxiety. I worry about their anxiety.  I, occasionally, take an anti-anxiety........but, I've had the same bottle for over a year.......so it's a rare occasion, ya know? Yesterday............I had issues with anxiety and anger happened. Yes. Happened. The only thing we have up on anger is to be proactive...........to prevent it. I failed yesterday. I let myself get to "that place". I got angry..............and angrier and said things that I regreted..............it's, like after all of this therapy and hard work I still haven't figured that out. I don't want to pass on my anger issues to my daughter. I really worry about this..............but, the good news I have come a long way ,ya know? I'm much better than, say four years ago. So, I have to forgive myself and move on.

The things to say. It was my daughter's first day of kindergarten. She's been so excited. But, when it came down to it............she looked a little scared when we had to say good bye. She kept saying, "I will miss you.". But, I know she will settle in. She's not a shy girl. People think that she's shy for about a second or two..........then she says things like, "Boy, come here. Come here". She's confident ............... I hope this sticks.  I thought I would celebrate when Summer was over....But, I feel a tinge of sorrow. She's growing up. It's time to let her go........to let her grow.........to let her find her way. Will she be hurt...emotionally......by other kids? There were a few bullies at her preschool.......that left their mark on her.  Breathing in and out. I have to let her follow her path.......not hover over her and "protect" her from every knick and scratch. That's how  ya learn, right?

using food to numb myself from the truth

....................mainstream news is corporate controlled and used to manipulate people's emotions. capitalism at its best? or worst?  i use food to numb myself from the truth. i use food to numb myself from emotions. i use food to deprive and celebrate and to wash away boredom and procrastinate. i am grateful it's not alcohol or something worse than that. buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut, this is my spirit's choice for my body and my journey on earth. i have lost 20 of the 100 or so pounds i need to lose. i might have gained back a few, but, i've started to lose it again. i've noticed this pattern that i lose weight, gain back more. then, i made a plan to permanently lose weight...........but, i lost weight and gained back just a little bit more....not the "entire" amount that i, originally lost. it's improvement. but, i would love to lose weight and just go doooooooooooooooooown, doooooooooooown, doooooooooooown. but, i have added picturing myself at my goal weight and saying to myself five times a day, "i am losing my weight, i am losing this weight, i am losing my weight, i am losing this weight, i am losing my weight".

...i treat my weight gain at a deep level......i am in therapy........i get help...i am working on both my interior and exterior. i have to admit...i walked four and a half miles on the strand at the beach today. what a great feeling. then, i went biking with my daughter. greater feeling.
so proud :)

3 actions to do out of my comfort zone

I am a true spirit seeker. I long to know more about the soul........not the dogma of religion............oh my gosh ...............everybody steals my water glass...........when you live with a husband and a daughter..............boundaries are an interesting thing.

I want to blog again.I want to write everyday. Even if it is just something silly.........yes i need to brush up on my grammar......but the truth is when blogging....i cheat.........i do a dot dot dot, http://www.hayhouseradio.com/show_details.php?show_id=2&episode_type=-1#
this is what i am listening to
inneresting
always
innerestin'

I am doing well.
I don't really know where I am going with this....I am just grateful that I am back writing......writing is like a sacred thing to me, ya know? Love it Love it Love it
when

Having trouble focusing
but
that's because I am listening to this interview.

I’m feeling a resistance….a resistance to writing….a resistance to proper grammar...a defiance to all things literary…...even the paris review…..gasp…..i was watching an interview with charlie rose………….how impressive their staff is/was………...i mean that’s what it’s about……..it wasn’t about the criticism…………..it wasn’t about sales………..it was about the writing…….the purist in me was/is so satisfied……….but i didn’t rush and research how to submit a short story or something….but i did write out a list of goals for all of my different writing goals……...now that’s an accomplishment ;).