forgiveness

gosh. it's been over a month since i've blogged. how do such tragedies happen? well, somebody was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay pee'd at me today. so peed they said they think it's too late and stated they might consider ending the relationship. what? i was completely taken a back. blown away to smithereens. i cried. grieved the relationship. thought where did we go wrong? how could i not have seen the signs? this person was so mad at me for so many things i did wrong in their eyes. i see the mistakes i made, but, i also see the wisdom in some of the decisions i made. things could have been worse had i done exactly what they wanted. hmmmm. i think the biggest thing i learned is not to hold onto my anger toward them. or i will make just as unhealthy accusations as them. holding onto anger from many things from the past is toxic. down right hideous for the soul. it's like the whirlpool in the bathtub. who knows where all that stuff goes? it's just better to ... i don't know where i'm going with this. i feel emotionally drained. the really bad kind. like i've only felt it from two other people in my life. i don't know if that's a good thing. i hope things work out. i really, really do. it scares me how much i love this person. but if they decide to part ways then that is their choice and i will be challenged with not taking it personally. i'm being vague. general almost. i hope i learn from this. but, i really kinda just feel like a flower that hasn't been watered in a while and it's shriveling. yuck. i don't like to put out negativity on this blog. i am forced to keep it real tonight. this was a tough night. felt almost like a crisis. it is still kinda. things have settled down but there is tension in the air. who wants this? i wrote an angry letter and burned most of it. some of it was going to start a housefire so i just poured water on those parts of the letter and cut it up. then the sage, hopefully, cleared away the negativity. jinns so to speak. deep breath in and out. i cannot even THINK of sleeping... it could be that 1/2 of the 2 liter of pepsi i drank. but, i think it's more the disagreement i had tonight. repeat i do not want to hold onto the anger because that's unhealthy for me and everybody around me. who wrote the book on letting go of anger. probably a new earth. present moment man. present moment.