the space

there is a space. between thoughts. between form. i was just talking with a good friend on the phone. she said the universe is confused by the mixed messages i'm sending it. i thought that was really interesting. she mentioned i might be sending out the message i don't deserve success.
i really am curious about career success.
i've worked diligently toward it.
but, i haven't had the success i've gone after.
this is okay.
life is choices.
life is learning.
this is a really personal blog.
i don't know if i'm going to publish it.
but, i would like to mention i'm reading the new earth.
fascinating.
that stuff is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cool.
sosososososososososo coooooooooooooool.
really cool.

attack of the killer fava beans

it was either the fava beans or the japanese extract stevia that attacked my body. or my body was attacking. i had an allergic reaction to them this fourth of july. crazy weird. it started thursday the third and by the fouth i had swelled eyes and lips. weird. strange. i've never had an allergic reaction that quite hit me like this one. why, it makes me grateful for my life. my throat could have swollen and left me without the ability to breathe.
yes, sansei.
good to be alive.
good to be breathing.
good to be human.
it's a strange thing.
this particular allergic reaction left me feeling needy.
still, the steroids, shutting down my auto immune system pulse in my body.
the doctor warned me it would play tricks with my anxiety.
he was accurate.
i'm reading a lot of the new earth.
and, am surprisingly feeling quite well.
it's strange though.
i don't feel my normal self.
these strange chemicals helping and pushing away the allergic reaction change me.
i'm sensitive.
maybe more than others.
but, who would i have to compare it with?
a flame flickers as i write.
things feel tight.
i feel like my blogging hasn't been up to par.
must blame the fava beans!!!!!!!!!!!!!
blame to the beans.

feeling

What if we only did things when we felt like it? I don't feel like washing the dishes so we won't? I'm a domestic engineer. I really....do...have the freedom to do things when I want. I want to start being better at what I do. I want to start enjoying things that I do more.
these are a few of my favorite things about being human
my baby's smile
my companion's sense of humor
me not getting a joke
being in tune with myself
being in tune with mother nature
forgetting things
remembering things
poppy calling
summer
ocean waves
surfing
good memories
bad memories that don't seem so bad anymore
love
surprise compliments
children
painting with my nephew and niece
understanding computers better
macs
ingrid betancourt being freed from six years as being a hostage in columbia
the americans going under cover and pretending to have a venezuelan helicopter
undercover people
what would that be like?
the spy museum
life
sunglasses my friend left at my house
the rash on my face that i have no idea what it is from.....gotta always have a sense of humor!
the gorgeousness of breathing
releasing negativity
healing
watching somebody nearly fall and catch their footing at the last minute
slushees
astro pops melting
pretty pools
sculpture, especially brancusi
knowing boundaries
releasing toxins
nutrition
cartwheels
the new drinking glasses my companion bought on sale
these are a few of my favorite things

force

I have forced things to happen in my life, before. Why just this morning I was forcing my will on a woman. She is the supervisor of the apartment building next door. The manager of this building asked for me to call her. It's been five years of really bad and really loud music coming from the next door neighbors. I try to be the peacekeeper. But, it's been really disrespectful, lately. Maybe, now I'm a mama bear and my standards are higher. I don't know. But, I called this woman and she gave me the blow off. Oh, give my your number and I'll call back after I speak to the owner. She doesn't know that I know the manager of this building has asked every single person who lives in this building to call her. So, I knew she was giving me the blow off. Then, she insisted they are going to send a letter to the tenant. I was blunt with her. A letter's not going to do anything. Again, I was forcing my will on her. I am sending her compassion as we speak. She probably has over 25 buildings to manage and she cannot keep them straight. She probably has legalites to worry about. She probably doesn't want some gringa chistosa starting her day off with a complaint. But, this was an example of letting it get too far. We're having tensions in the neighborhood. Neighbors in my building have come up to me and complained to me about the neighbors. What am I going to do about it? But, I am a loud, outspoken, demanding American woman. Maybe, it makes sense that they came to me. Who knows? Deep breath in and out.
I'm contemplating the right way to handle this. My next door neighbor is from Sri Lanka. I'm uncomfortable when she calls the next door people "these people". She complained about them. Complaining does not change anything. I asked her what Buddha would do. She was stuck and then said "he would preach". I don't know what all of the great spiritual leaders of human history would do. I just know I let out five years of anger out at the supervisor. I never knew the building had a supervisor. Fo shizzles, they don't have a manager or these tensions would not have escalated. I am trying not to whine. I am, just, dissecting the learning situation and trying to unravel the truths and lessons that are buried deeply under my irritation.
I have explained to neighbors I don't like how it has turned into us and them...that's not healthy. I was visiting a friend's fiance in prison the other weekend and he said he would just explain to neighbors that come up to us that we need communication.
I thought that was a very evolved answer.
The supervisor this morning, in my opinion, tried to give me the blow off and asked for me to call the cops. I'm not doing any of that nonsense. I believe it's her job to communicate to the tenants and I explained this to her. I wouldn't say I did it as nicely as I would have liked to. They are making a profit by housing their tenants and it's, in my opinion, the property owner's responsibility to have their tenants respectfully reside there. Listen, my dear reader, the music has been so loud that I cannot have a phone conversation on the phone or watch the television.
The manager of our building put in his two weeks to our building's owner. The owner of our building spoke to the next door building's owner. The manager of our building told us to call the supervisor.
Drama.
Who needs it?
I can only learn from the situation.
The rent is cheap.
Dirt cheap.
But, disrespectful neighbors happens in all different neighborhoods.
I've watched movies and news stories about it.
It ain't anything new.
So, I figure we have something to learn from one another.
Our neighborhood is an international community. Local billboards have been in English, Spanish, Armenian, and Korean. I took an hour walk this morning and I could have been traveling in a foreign country. I LIKE this about our neighborhood. There's a lot of the youth's freedom of expression (grafitti), there's a lot of excess clutter (litter), and there's an unsafe vibe circulating. The manager of our building had his apartment broken into. Supposedly, they took the key for our next door neighbor's apartment. Who knows what's true. That's one thing I have learned. Do not believe everything you hear. It's like the game telephone.
Well, deep breath in and out.
I am grateful for my neighborhood.
I am grateful my spanish has improved.
I am grateful for the learning experiences I have learned here.
I am grateful for the opportunity to have cheap rent so my companion, my child, and myself can travel overseas.
I am grateful for the space.
This place is really, really spacious.
We need to winnow down our possessions, but, we have a generous amount of space.
I'm very suprised that I'm talking so much about the neighbor's.
Isn't everything a reflection, anyway?
Why would I try to force my will on the supervisor.
I told her they need to send warnings to each tenant in Spanish and English.
I wonder what will happen.
I did a good thing on the phone conversation this morning.
I apologized when I caught myself.
I shifted my consciousness and did better.
I'm becoming a better person from this experience.
I didn't EXACTLY force my will on the supervisor, but, I did make recommendations.
And...I did an excellent job of establishing the boundary...I really didn't want to give her my telephone number.
I really didn't want to have to do any more work...or any more negativity from the experience.
In hindsight....I did a pretty good job.
We are more than energy....we have our own way of running our own universe.
I'm doing a lot of research about parallel universes.
I find the idea of parallel universes fascinating.

patience and presence

Sometimes I think patience and presence are the key to a good day. If we had to choose between a good day or bad day... we're going to pick a good day. I guess the bad days compliment the good days. Complimentary contraries. Didn't we all study that at one point in school?
I was interrupted by the goosling crying and the pot boiling on the stove.
Yum, am making coffee.
Delicious!
I wanted to stop by a cafe or a fast food joint and buy an iced coffee.
But, I made a succinct promise to myself and my companion that I plan on spending no money until Friday.
It worked last week.
I spent, practically, no money on the weekdays. But, on the weekend I let loose a little, ya know? It's just money. That's a balance, too. I have to admit I am not a professional balancer of my life. My weight is way higher than I would like it to be. But, I must give myself compassion, I've just completed growing a baby. I lost 26 pounds and then regained 15 of them. Such is life. Learning lessons and improving.
This ties into today's keywords; patience and presence. If I'm in touch with presence, the present moment, NOW, I am void of any negativity. Yes, occasionally, there will be sorrow. But, for today, FOR NOW, everything is good. It's the closest thing to mysticism that we have. I was speaking on the phone to a good friend, yesterday, and she asked me to define mysticism. We looked it up in the dictionary. My definition was very close to the dictionary's. I think that Mother Nature is mysticism. Who doesn't stand at the edge of the ocean, where water meets sand, and feel an incredible amount of humilty....an incredible amount of connectedness? Astronomy does that for me, too. Astronomy, or the stars, makes me feel connected to the universe in ways I cannot really explain. Songwriting does that. I get lost in the song, lost in the expression.
Believe it or not, blogging has been my new outlet. Blogging ... I wouldn't call it mystical. But, I would say it's a great way to get things out of my mind and concretely print them on the Internet. Why do I capitalize Internet? I used to have a writing gig writing articles about Maui and I would capitalize Internet. AAAAAhhh, Maui. Wouldn't that be fun? I live in a major metropolitan city right now and it's a strange feeling. We cannot picture our goosling growing up here. We just don't know. We'll see. I'm really getting ahead of myself.
Patience and presence.
Patience and presence.
Everything's great for now.