organically

i like working organically. i work intuitively. most of my life i have worked from spark. from inspiration. i cannot say i've always had the results i've hoped for. but, i've learned and improved and gotten better from each experience in my life. i always think ANYTHING in our lives can be chalked up to a learning experience. there is pain and suffering in this life. but, i don't think that's the POINT of it. i think it's a direct result of free will. something we don't really appreciate until we lose it. maybe the prisoners in this life are the only ones who can really appreciate free will.
pausing for personal reflection.
i wrote a script about a prison reformist.
the writing process changed me. it raised my consciousness. i used to think bad guys were the one-dimensional characters we see in a lot of hollywood blockbusters. but, i'll be honest with you. i'm having a lot of trouble with the character resolution for the wifebeater in the story. he's deplorable and it's quite difficult to find any compassion for the dough-dough. now this guy is fictitious. but, pausing for reflection again. we are all equal. that basic believe system has guided me through my existence. it is the ONE belief system i have never been able to shake. i would swear by this belief system on my death bed. not that i really want to imagine what a death bed is. i guess it would be in the sterile environment of a hospital with people acting really strangely and weird. yeah, agh, let's not picture a death bed. i'm an embellisher. it's a tough habit to break. i don't know how my very special person in my life can stand it. but, well, this person adores me as i adore this person. mmmmmmmmm. good feeling inside.
i guess that's how i can find a relatable aspect to the wifebeater in this script i'm writing. he must have somebody who loves him on this earth. he must have SOME level of generosity. he must give gifts away, maybe a few bucks to the homeless guy on the corner. what issues makes a wifebeater? i could study the hell out of it. but, i don't like to do that. i like to have characters inspired by truth. not book smarts. pausing for reflection. i'll tell you the honest truth .... the wifebeater is inspired by a friend's ex. i never met him face to face. i never saw his eyes. but, i'm tearing up thinking back to this memory. i felt his energy. i felt his darkness. i felt his oh, yuck. it was yucky. we were pulling out of the parking lot after a normal day at the office. he, pausing for reflection. it's a difficult thing to explain. i can only tell you ... he had mal intent. i rarely use the word evil. i think evil is too simple. but, i feel comfortable with the word negativity. i have never in my life felt such a level of fear, terror, anxiety, panic, yuckiness, fright, suffocation. my friend tried to hide from him in the passenger seat. i felt paralyzed. do i start the engine? gun it? do i call 911? i saw a friend and co-worker who witnessed the whole situation. it felt like slow-motion. it felt cinematic. it felt like the worst level of domination i had ever experienced in my life. yet, my friend's ex wanted to do what to her? attack her? dare i say...kill her? beat her? control her? abuse is control. simple as that. my friend is the single most courageous woman i have ever met. ever. she left a man that abused her for over eighteen years. i told her i can't imagine what she's been through. believe you me, she's a strong woman. by some miracle, the ex left. he ended up gunning with his car and leaving. it was dramatic. it shook me up. i didn't go home that day and tell my special loved one about the situation. we never keep secrets. i just .... i don't know my reasons why not sharing it. it was just otherworldly. it's the single closest i have ever been to...violence. it wasn't pretty. but, the reason i want to write about it right now is i want to understand it. the history.
the phone is ringing. it's my special someone. pausing for reflection.
i guess i could call up my friend and ask her about her ex. what makes him that way? did his parents beat him? did he have people constantly beating him up? is it training? is the violence so thoroughly embedded in his psyche that he cannot overcome his own personal pain? he has to transfer it to other people? to the woman he most loves in this world? the mother of his son? that's so messed up. of course, it's not fair for me to judge. i really, truly, honestly, mean that. if we had a video camera detailing every single thing that has happened to my friend's ex (the wifebeater)...what would show up? i'm sure there are experts who have done studies and have tried to understand it. but, it's probably quite simple. i think it boils down to control. that's why when i say no to somebody and they don't respect it... my own personal issues start to come out. simple. we need to NOT force our will on others. this is one blog i do not know how to conclude. so, in conclusion.... is there a cure for the wife beater? how do i depict character resolution for him? in the script he gets deported because his wife finally reports the abuse after being hospitalized. do i show him being forced to his hometown and crashing with his parents? do i show his mom or his dad abusing him as an adult? does this prove that violence is a cycle? is there any way to show compassion for the wifebeater in this script? i don't know. i feel mystified by it. grateful on many levels. but, mostly as a the vessel of this script. i feel honored. again, i feel grateful that the story has come through me. tickled that a chance meeting with somebody at a backpackers in uganda would five years later lead to me writing a script inspired by his life.
phone is ringing again.
it's my special someone.
pausing for reflection.
goosebumps.
my special someone let me know we have friends coming over in an hour and forty-five minutes.
i could blog about this subject until eternity.
really, truly.
but, the finites of my existence on this earth force me to conclude this blog.
may abuse and control be vanished.
if these entities are here to serve humanity.
may they stay and bring healing to our human species.
may we heal as a planet.
may we all feel and know the beauty of peace.
the quiet in stillness.
and the abundance and bounty of human life.