broccoli

gosh, i had a good eating day. that's about the first good eating day, in say, THREE MONTHS. i'm very proud of myself. i'm starting to write out my food goals in a food journal. seems like a lot of work. but, i've been working on my weight since the seventh grade. it's a mystery. am i the one controlling it? dunno. sometimes i have absolutely no control over food. it's the weirdest thing. the other day i was at vons pavillion. i walked down the alcohol aisle. absolutely no reaction. didn't do a thing to me. when i walk down the ice cream aisle it's like alarms go off in my head. the synaptic connections in my brain are uber firing. it's really interesting. i don't understand addiciton. how could i be addicted to something i need every day for nourishment? for my existence? i've been talking and thinking a lot about existence of late. who knows why? i just know i ate a pound of broccoli yesterday and two carbs and chicken and healthy things. i haven't gained weight by eating unhealthy things. i just eat too much. it's plain and simple. i believe it's a mask for something i do not yet understand about myself. heavy. deep. we are deep beings. i believe we are much more powerful than we realize. until it comes to walking down the ice cream aisle. then all defenses are down.