image

sometimes professional artists can spend weeks on just one image. using an artistic image to create a buzz and sell a product. i've been in personal conflict over selling out and selling things. on one hand, we need money to pay rent so we have a home to rest our heads for the family. on the other hand, i have no interest in worshipping money. i think there's a little bit of confusion in these great states. Oh yeah, I'm trying to get back to writing in capital letters. This is a new habit for me. I've been writing underhand or little letters for years and years. But, back to images. I have filmmaking aspirations. I sometimes beat myself up over not studying it more. But, truth be told, I've taken several cinematography and screenwriting classes. I hold true to my dreams. I don't believe in being a slave to my dreams.
Again, back to images. I'm freestyling writing. So, dear reader, I may jump subjects on you. Freestyle writing is the best reflection of how my minds works. Sometimes, I want to be friends with neurologists. I'd like to better understand the brain, the mind, imagination...being a human being. It's so complex. But, I feel the most comfortable in my skin when I am near water. When I was a kid I remember collaging a washing machine box with images of waves. I always understood that I feel the most comfortable in water. I also meditated in this box. It was a strange habit and in hindsight it was an odd choice, but, again, I stayed true to my soul's integrity. I've been pretty good at that throughout my life. It's pretty deep. I always do things that I think will bring me happiness. I always aim for a positive choice. I don't think an infinity of happiness is achievable as a human being. Why, even the Dalai Lama must have moments of rage and sadness. I think it's our job to really feel our emotions, not to mask them. I am in conflict sometimes about mediation. But, let's blog about that another day. Today, I'd like to communicate how much an image can have an impact on someone. When I subscribed to Surfing or Surfer magazine when I was a kid I read a really cool article about Madagascar. I cannot remember what the writer wrote, but, like a miracle I remember the image in that magazne article. It had local Africans playing in the ocean. To this day, I want to visit the coast of Madagascar. This image was the spark that has sustained my voyage to visiting many countries across our globe. I don't think governments and map lines divide us. I think we all have much more in common than we can imagine. I am grateful to the photographer, to the camera, and the film develeoper who brought that image of Madagascar to my doorstep. Maybe I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for that image.

sage

saging. healing. i've been a little obsessed with healing recently. i feel that i have some necessary healing that needs to occur within my being. just this morning i ran into the architect at the farmer's market. there was another man there who was upset about the domination of our government. i explained i have traveled to over 26 countries and nearly all of the countries i visited i was hit up for a visa to my homeland. i was trying to make a point. be grateful you were born here. maximize from the bounty we are given. the freedom. i think he understood. the three of us were talking about how all human beings are equal. it was nice to be in agreement. then somebody came over to buy sage from the architect and we exited. but, the architect said i wasn't being tested. i know this is off of the subject. but, it got me thinking. maybe some of my old belief systems were inside of my mind, simmering like a pot of stew. maybe i still believe i am being tested. isn't that silly? why test? ya know? i really do believe in the love and healing and positive nature of the universe. there are many sides, but, i really wish i could have talked to that architect more about the testing. he said we had serendipity. i agreed. it was an interesting conversation. my companion and i had met him earlier. probably a good eight months ago. the architect said he asks the land before he builds on it. sometimes it says no. i told him about this book i'm reading called, "the spell of the sensuous" by david abram. the book is amazing and i'm only on page 26. so far the author writes about his experiences as a magician traveling the world. he uses sleight of hand to interact with natives. then, he talks about shamans he has met who interact with mother nature. it's absolutely mind-blowing. it keeps me intact with the mysticisim of this life. my companion and i live in a metropolitan area. it's crazy crowded here. but, there can still be mysticism. granted, it's harder to tap into then say, when swimming in the ocean. but, where there is truth and love there is mysticism. i honestly believe that all things are sacred. i really, honestly, do. i want to chisel down our possessions. i want less. but, ironically, or maybe i contradict myself...i want to own a home. i got an e-mail from a fellow world traveller one day. he said that we never really own land. he's british. i found that interesting. why do i want to stake a claim so badly? we are renters. there is a book out there called "renters" i'd like to read. i wonder if it's time for me to get grown up again and type in capital letters. Maybe it's a little lazy to only write in little letters. That is something I started to do with the growth of the Internet. I think it somehow reflects that.
I'd like to return to the subject of sage. I have sage in the kitchen drawer. I burned it when we leased our home to our in-law's for a month. They were visiting from overseas and long story very short...they desperately needed a cheap place to stay. But, the home was different after their family had been living here for a month. It smelled differently and it had a different rhythm. It was a bizarre and difficult time. I wonder if I had to do it over again what I would do. I think my companion and I did a great job. But, I was pregnant and moody and it was difficult. Now, about this smudging. I have heard that Native Americans use it to rid an environment of mal spirits. I've also heard that Native Americans believe that alcohol calls in mal spirits. I find this absolutely fascinating. I want to learn more about this. I want to learn more about things I DON'T know about. That's what I like most about being me. I like the unknown.

organically

i like working organically. i work intuitively. most of my life i have worked from spark. from inspiration. i cannot say i've always had the results i've hoped for. but, i've learned and improved and gotten better from each experience in my life. i always think ANYTHING in our lives can be chalked up to a learning experience. there is pain and suffering in this life. but, i don't think that's the POINT of it. i think it's a direct result of free will. something we don't really appreciate until we lose it. maybe the prisoners in this life are the only ones who can really appreciate free will.
pausing for personal reflection.
i wrote a script about a prison reformist.
the writing process changed me. it raised my consciousness. i used to think bad guys were the one-dimensional characters we see in a lot of hollywood blockbusters. but, i'll be honest with you. i'm having a lot of trouble with the character resolution for the wifebeater in the story. he's deplorable and it's quite difficult to find any compassion for the dough-dough. now this guy is fictitious. but, pausing for reflection again. we are all equal. that basic believe system has guided me through my existence. it is the ONE belief system i have never been able to shake. i would swear by this belief system on my death bed. not that i really want to imagine what a death bed is. i guess it would be in the sterile environment of a hospital with people acting really strangely and weird. yeah, agh, let's not picture a death bed. i'm an embellisher. it's a tough habit to break. i don't know how my very special person in my life can stand it. but, well, this person adores me as i adore this person. mmmmmmmmm. good feeling inside.
i guess that's how i can find a relatable aspect to the wifebeater in this script i'm writing. he must have somebody who loves him on this earth. he must have SOME level of generosity. he must give gifts away, maybe a few bucks to the homeless guy on the corner. what issues makes a wifebeater? i could study the hell out of it. but, i don't like to do that. i like to have characters inspired by truth. not book smarts. pausing for reflection. i'll tell you the honest truth .... the wifebeater is inspired by a friend's ex. i never met him face to face. i never saw his eyes. but, i'm tearing up thinking back to this memory. i felt his energy. i felt his darkness. i felt his oh, yuck. it was yucky. we were pulling out of the parking lot after a normal day at the office. he, pausing for reflection. it's a difficult thing to explain. i can only tell you ... he had mal intent. i rarely use the word evil. i think evil is too simple. but, i feel comfortable with the word negativity. i have never in my life felt such a level of fear, terror, anxiety, panic, yuckiness, fright, suffocation. my friend tried to hide from him in the passenger seat. i felt paralyzed. do i start the engine? gun it? do i call 911? i saw a friend and co-worker who witnessed the whole situation. it felt like slow-motion. it felt cinematic. it felt like the worst level of domination i had ever experienced in my life. yet, my friend's ex wanted to do what to her? attack her? dare i say...kill her? beat her? control her? abuse is control. simple as that. my friend is the single most courageous woman i have ever met. ever. she left a man that abused her for over eighteen years. i told her i can't imagine what she's been through. believe you me, she's a strong woman. by some miracle, the ex left. he ended up gunning with his car and leaving. it was dramatic. it shook me up. i didn't go home that day and tell my special loved one about the situation. we never keep secrets. i just .... i don't know my reasons why not sharing it. it was just otherworldly. it's the single closest i have ever been to...violence. it wasn't pretty. but, the reason i want to write about it right now is i want to understand it. the history.
the phone is ringing. it's my special someone. pausing for reflection.
i guess i could call up my friend and ask her about her ex. what makes him that way? did his parents beat him? did he have people constantly beating him up? is it training? is the violence so thoroughly embedded in his psyche that he cannot overcome his own personal pain? he has to transfer it to other people? to the woman he most loves in this world? the mother of his son? that's so messed up. of course, it's not fair for me to judge. i really, truly, honestly, mean that. if we had a video camera detailing every single thing that has happened to my friend's ex (the wifebeater)...what would show up? i'm sure there are experts who have done studies and have tried to understand it. but, it's probably quite simple. i think it boils down to control. that's why when i say no to somebody and they don't respect it... my own personal issues start to come out. simple. we need to NOT force our will on others. this is one blog i do not know how to conclude. so, in conclusion.... is there a cure for the wife beater? how do i depict character resolution for him? in the script he gets deported because his wife finally reports the abuse after being hospitalized. do i show him being forced to his hometown and crashing with his parents? do i show his mom or his dad abusing him as an adult? does this prove that violence is a cycle? is there any way to show compassion for the wifebeater in this script? i don't know. i feel mystified by it. grateful on many levels. but, mostly as a the vessel of this script. i feel honored. again, i feel grateful that the story has come through me. tickled that a chance meeting with somebody at a backpackers in uganda would five years later lead to me writing a script inspired by his life.
phone is ringing again.
it's my special someone.
pausing for reflection.
goosebumps.
my special someone let me know we have friends coming over in an hour and forty-five minutes.
i could blog about this subject until eternity.
really, truly.
but, the finites of my existence on this earth force me to conclude this blog.
may abuse and control be vanished.
if these entities are here to serve humanity.
may they stay and bring healing to our human species.
may we heal as a planet.
may we all feel and know the beauty of peace.
the quiet in stillness.
and the abundance and bounty of human life.

broccoli

gosh, i had a good eating day. that's about the first good eating day, in say, THREE MONTHS. i'm very proud of myself. i'm starting to write out my food goals in a food journal. seems like a lot of work. but, i've been working on my weight since the seventh grade. it's a mystery. am i the one controlling it? dunno. sometimes i have absolutely no control over food. it's the weirdest thing. the other day i was at vons pavillion. i walked down the alcohol aisle. absolutely no reaction. didn't do a thing to me. when i walk down the ice cream aisle it's like alarms go off in my head. the synaptic connections in my brain are uber firing. it's really interesting. i don't understand addiciton. how could i be addicted to something i need every day for nourishment? for my existence? i've been talking and thinking a lot about existence of late. who knows why? i just know i ate a pound of broccoli yesterday and two carbs and chicken and healthy things. i haven't gained weight by eating unhealthy things. i just eat too much. it's plain and simple. i believe it's a mask for something i do not yet understand about myself. heavy. deep. we are deep beings. i believe we are much more powerful than we realize. until it comes to walking down the ice cream aisle. then all defenses are down.

constantin brancusi

don't know that i feel like writing a bunch of words right now. it's just that i am a little excited about constantin brancusi. his artwork is so simple. i think that is the ultimate secret of life; the simplicity and elegance of a brancusi sculpture. my other half and i recently cleaned out our home. we were having friends over for bastila. the oven ended up not working and over 5 1/2 hours of work went down the drain. is there any way to stay positive with that one? it was a lesson on how hard or how much we plan things...things simply don't turn out the way we desire. life is desiring. accepting is my ultimate goal. i've been a planner for years. i have no intention of trying to convince people to latch onto my belief systems. i simply believe what i believe because, ultimately, i want a life of ease. i don't want a bunch of struggling. i don't want a bunch of negativity. i want to go with the flow of life and surrender to the beauty of the universe. i have a lot of creative juices running through my being. sometimes, i cannot even control it. the creativity just comes out of me. i love expression. i think that's what i desire the most in this life. to express myself. i know i am not like the rest of the world. dramatic kinda? i was eating lunch at arclight restaurant with some girlfriends. they so simply stated "oh, yes, you have the artist mentality." that's what i love most about the city of angels. they get me here. artists make a good living here. they also...well....i can only speak of my own personal experiences. i feel like they get me here. or, maybe i'm at the point in my life where i value myself more and i understand myself more. there's lots i have to learn in life. i'm curious about becoming eldery. does the wisdom keep adding up? hmmmm.....i'd have to say i'm not a fan of many people. but, the expression of constantin brancusi is something the revs me up. what i call SPARK. i think we all have human beings who have inspired us in this existence. i used to work at an independent movie theater. i was tearing tickets and an elderly woman and i started up a conversation about brancusi. she practically screamed at me "you must always use simplicity in your art". i understand what she means. i don't think at the time i understood this. breathe in and out. i don't understand everything. that's why simplicty is key.

anonymity

what is anonymous anymore? so many things have changed in this fast-paced existence. i have aspirations of working in show biz. it has been my mojo for the past, oh, 14 years. it isn't the show as much as the biz. difficult to explain. hmmmm. i met a publicist from spark this past weekend. my other half and i went to a picnic. this publicist didn't feel she was making a difference in the world. i felt suprised. yes SHE IS. we were joking about the dumbing down of america. that is a sister bear's saying. she works in marketing. well, selling things. selling belief systems. selling art. selling selling. selling fat. selling thinness. selling perfection. selling homemaking. selling selling. is it part of being human? it's the part i feel uncomfortable with. i don't want to be greedy. i sold antique posters in hawaii. it brought out the greed in me. i honor the hard-working business the owner built. but, for me, it seemed to bring out my greed. i've had so many jobs, deep sigh, i couldn't begin to count them. but, the one that stands out the most for me was being a caretaker for an eldery woman with alzheimer's. it's been ages. probably 14 or 15 years since i've seen her. bless her soul. she's probably exited this earth since then. it was a strange thing being her caretaker. i believe that i tuned into her consciousness once. it was dark and empty. not necessarily confused. but, it was empty and void of the depth we have. we, meaning the sane. i've been insane. i've been insane, i would say, a good six times in my life. not the funnest experience. i'm writing a script called "universe parallel". i want to explore insanity. do i have a point? mostly nothing is anonymous anymore. mostly we shouldn't even bother with wearing masks. we shouldn't bother with covering up anything. we simply are who we are. we are humans being.

cool

i found this intriguing. i'm learning more and more about astronomy. about my place in the universe. it is a mysterious place, isn't it? i don't claim to know everything. no matter how important or how insignificant one believes they are ... there is some thing completely and utterly humbling about looking at this galaxy from beginning to end. it is mystical. are we looking at the galaxy or are we looking back in time at a galaxy that was once there?

gorgeous south african dessert

this gorgeous south african dessert was made by a fellow mama bear's mama. i guess that makes her mama bear a great mama bear. i don't know how an elder says great in her tribe. i ought to ask her one day. but, this dessert was the kinda dessert you want to WRITE REVEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWS about. that's how yummy and scrumptious her dessert was. it had all of the flavors any great dessert has. sugar. yes. sugar comes in the shape of stevia, a japanese extract many use that has zero calorieoids. raw agave nectar, coming from the cactus growing in many desert regions. desert not to be confused with the point of this review. which is dessert. i had to go to the old, yet reliable and elder book called dictionary.com........this is not a plug for them. just the fact that i didn't trust the first two sources on google that i researched on. that (beat) and i was confused. me a mama bear confused? can you believe that? i'm a writer so i have a surplus of words. i always have a lot to say. but i just wanted to write a review about this amazing south african dessert i had at a fellow mama bear's shower for her first born. her other half was from another tribe. many of his ancestors were at the shower. therfore, i had lots of fun chit chatting and catching up with fellow mama bears. but, it was an elder of the tribe with blue eyes who i conversed with the most. her first name is anonymous. it's neither here nor there. but, there was lots of wisdom being exchanged between these four blue eyes. wisdom about religion. she had a gossipy question about mine. i DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THE ANSWER. anyway, i'm here to write about this gorgeous south african dessert. i tried uploading the image directly from the digital camera that was generously zakated to my family's tribe from my big big brother bear's new tribe. so exciting to be going digital. this is new for me. i fought the zero's and one's for ages. i mean ages. i wanted to be old-fashioned, handwritten. i want to BE this and that. when, finally, i awoke and started realizing technology is bringing this world together. i believe in peace. for pete's sake i have a tatoo on my ankle to prove it. well, intake of air to sigh. i'm just trying to upload this gorgeous image of this gorgeous south african dessert. it should be served to kings and queens for it's coconut, mint, cacao, dairy, caramel, FAT -- fat has become a thing that has been worshiped in my tribe. punished in my tribe. it's like it's almost a bad word. fat is a-okay. no human being should ever feel they have to cut themselves because of their fat intake. my weight fluctuates. but, my healer told me not to worry about my weight. so nah nah. nanny nanny boo boo. yes, all of this review was inspired by this amazing signature dish of a fellow mama bear's tribe. yes, the desert was well.....many words long and even...believe it or not iwas offended as a result of this dessert. a fellow mama bear questioned me and asked "eating dessert first?"... i had a million come-backs. like FOR STARTERS.....dessert is not an entree in the countries i backpacked in africa. dessert is served with all food and it is a great honour to eat the desserts of fellow tribespeople. HELLO .....i dared not voice my opinion. we were at a public place. well, not really, we were at the hut of a fellow mama bear. ...WHO HER other half BUILT from scratch!!! i couldn't believe it when my fellow mama bear shared with us other mama bear's that he built it himself. wow. he shared that this mama bear brought light into the hut. we were silenced with the reverence he gave to my fellow mama bear. i mean HE WAS so kind with his words. words can heal people. words can bring light to others. yes. all of this, my dear reader was inspired by a dessert. i kindly asked my fellow mama bear for her mama bear's recipe. i felt it was too sacred to be asking the elder mama bear directly for the recipe. i feared the forbidden NO. i just gave the question to my fellow mama bear. i dream of receiving the sacred words....scribbled down by the elder mama bear. will she or won't she...share her recipe with me....this new mama bear? pause ...bjust trying to upload the image onto this gorgeous anonymous blogspot. deep breath... honour technology. honour the zeroes and the ones that i once thought were doing all of the thinking for humanity. until that fancy dinner i had with big brother bear. he works with satelites and he explained to me that.....welllllll..........he works with a bunch of other humanoids on satelites. it's definetly not the machines doing the thinking. it's the machines that do the reflecting of humamnoids....this is now MY opinion. not big brother bear. okay, now let's try to get that image uploaded onto this blog site. the end.

not disorder

not disorder
see disorder
define
disorder
ordering
running
hiding
masking
meaning
reasons
everything in between
only
this
speak in rhyme
speak in rhythms
only just only
solamente
finances in order
everything is fine
easy to judge
when not being judged

there's

there's no medication for this feeling
for this anger i feel for you
right now
i don't think i've ever felt
like not speaking
to you
ever
but
i cannot even
write out my true
feeling
i can't my my true
rage
i'm over overthinking things
i'm over overanylzing everything
ting
like hawaiian slang
why did i have to give this blog spot to somebody

gossip

so sick of
learning
the lesson of gossip
maybe it will pass
this is not something
easily perfected
the understanding
the learning
this is how it goes
this is how it is
going
going
gone
getting
dish
fishing
with
this
gossip
this being
this soul
unlearning the veils
perfecting
themlearningthemtoprotectingthe offspring
protecting the offspring
protecting the offspring